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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in emeraldliz's LiveJournal:

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    Monday, January 21st, 2013
    3:32 pm
    The Birthday Weekend

    Not mine...Bryan's.  It was an incredible experience and well worth sharing here.  Things got rolling a few weeks earlier deciding to have a geek friends gathering for gaming and everything just sort of grew up around that. 

    ThursdayCollapse )

    FridayCollapse )

    SaturdayCollapse )

    SundayCollapse )

    Tuesday, January 1st, 2013
    1:58 am
    Thank you 2012

    Part of a letter:

    A brief review, this year for me was a mess of physical travel, unsettling messing up of my entire life structure. It was wholly atypical but perhaps that in itself could be typical. I went to Hawaii and Alaska, I ended a passionate but destructive relationship, I started a leadership program to help others not have to break the same trails as harshly as myself and the ones before had to. My grandfather and a former lover died, and I met someone to create a relationship with as their slave as I never expected would happen again.

    What really matters for me though is that I finally understood I had to stop trying to live my life for another. I thought I had broken free from a lot of my family issues before, but there were still shackles holding me back. This year brought real clarity for how well I was trained to emulate them, polish their choices to reflect back to them an approval through repetition. And I finally believe I can have the confidence and strength to change and hold my own truth.

    Along with that, I learned the necessity of vulnerability. I learned you can’t live your truth without connecting it outwards in your experiences with others. I’m still working on making this a daily reality- my first instinct is to go blank and reflective still, the chameleon. But I know vulnerability is what I need to accept in myself and will actually make for better relationships in the future.

    Read more...Collapse )

    Saturday, December 1st, 2012
    6:33 pm
    Tuesday, October 9th, 2012
    12:56 pm
    Black Rose 2012 Saturday
    DCS and I awoke all too early for my face slapping class.  We were going full tech this time to incorporate videos which really is a good idea and I'll need to clean that up and make it even simpler for the future.  Plus I need to make sure the whole title gets in there because too many people come in thinking it's a "how to" class.  While there are lots of examples, demos, and a bit of safety in there, it's really much more a discussion about edge play, why face slapping is appealing to a lot of people, what it tends to evoke in someone and all that stuff.  I honestly think a whole class on just "how to" face slapping would be boring, but perhaps there can be some blending.

    Overall though, really big crowd, really good feedback in crowd, really great volunteer demo, it all flowed great, hit all the buttons I wanted and timing went very smoothly. I became an official BR presenter and it was satisfying.Collapse )
    12:34 pm
    Black Rose 2012 Friday
    Overall impression:  Smaller and less formal than I remember and was hoping for, I recognized at least 60% of the people there even though only a handful recognized me which is a new signal of how much I've changed and how closed off I used to be.  But the solid "big event" sense was in the house and it was good to be there to experience it.

    Woke up before 5 am to catch 7 am flight on Friday.Collapse )
    Thursday, October 4th, 2012
    2:17 pm
    BR Weekend!

    Monday was my 7th anniversary with DCS/Multiperv/Scott.  This is from the day we first said we loved eachother.  The next day was his 49th birthday and it was also well enjoyed.

    But coming off of him being out of town all last weekend and my losing a tire last night, it's been little time for rest to prep for this BR weekend.

    In general BR has a lot of sentimental value- my first weekend event, my first tng party, my first blah this and first blah that, DC is my first home and the pleasure of presenting at the event is really a homecoming and personal value to me.

    That being said, I've kept something of a finger on the status and have been disappointed in the lack of progress and connection BR has managed to keep (or not keep).  They seem to have fallen to the same problems so many other groups and events have had and rather than adapting, they de-volved.

    I'm still looking forward to a great event, for nothing other than personal reasons, and I'm proud of the people I know who genuinely do understand how to do events and persevere, and of myself for making it to this point, whatever happens afterwards.

    Presenter organization:
    - review handouts, revise, confirm links, mentally review anecdotes, pacing
    - review and update demo items
    - check technology
    - confirm schedule

    Attendee organization:
    - confirm flights, check ins
    - confirm hotel room
    - get travel options from airport to hotel
    - confirm event registration
    - review overall schedule
    - plan and sort clothes and accessories

    Partner organization:
    - review their clothing and packing
    - review and update travel toy bag
    - review mutual schedule

    In service to partner?  Not this weekend!  Whew!

    Tuesday, September 25th, 2012
    9:30 am
    Respecting Limits
    It's hard to realize you aren't superman or have superpowers, despite the acumen achieved where the illusion sometimes is pretty darn good.

    This is my mental map of ascending event responsibility:

    - Attending an event
    - Attending an event with someone else
    - Attending an event in service to someone else
    - Attending an even in service to someone else who also has event responsibilities
    - Having event responsibilities in service to someone else attending who also has event responsibilities
    - Producing the whole darn event attending with your personal relationship partners who each have their own responsibilities including your owner who is a presenter at the event

    Mixing personal and pleasure can be a great idea, but something I learned this weekend is there really is only SO early you can wake up to get it all done and you really shouldn't try.  Breakfast in bed for him, quickie nosh for you, packing up final supplies for event, packing up his final decision stuff, and you have to be the first ones there.  Even doing as much as I could the week/night before doesn't mean that much when you've got so many juggling demands.

    Even as an attendee there's a lot of demands- what to wear, how to get there, what the schedule is, how to pay attention, how to socialize. 

    Saturday I sacrificed myself to have the rest of everything else- Hypnoguru cared for in his personal and presenter needs, attendees touched in on, other partners connected with in small consistent ways, food prepped and moved out readily, etc, etc.  But I was running on lower than prime sleep and pushed my food needs aside to give to others. 

    I completely and utterly abandoned my concept of "If you don't take care of yourself first, you're no good to anyone else."  And the consequence was heavy.

    In the mid afternoon, I KNEW I needed to lie down for awhile.  I could feel the edges of migraine territory.  But Hypnoguru was there...and I knew he'd want to watch in on the I pushed myself.  I gritted my teeth through happy smiles through the end of the day, and the moment I could, I collapsed.  Staying horizontal, cool, dark, drugs, and food helped nurse me back but I certainly was on the brink there.

    And I sheepishly admitted I had not taken care of myself as I should have and would endeavor to do better.  This was received with serious expectation and warm connection for figuring it out myself before they had to say it explicitly.  It's not a crime to take care of myself first, it's not horrible to have them take care of themselves or find someone else to do it.  Still learning those limits that will free me to be better.
    Monday, September 24th, 2012
    12:37 pm
    Erotic Hypnosis

    Working up to this weekend event, I got angsty.  I admit I worked myself up, I was at the end of a string of events I had some participation in and realizing the frustration with people who don't GET the work that goes into this mixed with the pride of being able to see it, get it, and do it pretty darn efficiently was all worked up in there.  Think about how difficult it can be to get 5 people to agree on a dinner and movie place.

    This was a weekend that sublimely mixed the personal with the professional.  I got to spend nearly every moment in Hypnoguru's presence, and yet for the majority of Saturday, he was in place as presenter/professional needing to be available to help answer questions, give examples, etc.  And yet time together Thursday night, Friday and late Saturday was just us, all us.

    On visitor to Austin terms, we managed great success with what we had.  I knew we'd really only have the opportunity to show Hypnoguru the town based on meals- so we did Kerbey Lane Cafe, Alamo Drafthouse, Mesa Rosa and County Line BBQ.  Each one was a spectacular hit for him and I definitely felt good to give him some sense of what Austin can offer even with the hecticness of everything else.

    In raw numbers we had over 30 participants at the classes, which was pretty much what the space would bear.  If you want to add up the flight, the food, the gas, the drinks, the venue- we didn't cover expenses at all.  But given the only real additional expense versus just hanging out at Jaime's house was Hypnoguru's flight, it worked out well, especially since he didn't expect to get paid personally.  My frustration with Austin/Texas (perhaps kinksters in general) not recognizing the huge value and opportunity organizers bring to their own front door and at hugely reduced prices from what any vanilla professional rig would charge for a daylong event continues. 

    The better part was the everyone who was there, was there to engage and create a positive experience.  There were no jerks, no assholes, no creeps, no one bored or looking to prove something.   It flowed magnificently.

    When things go right, they just go right.  And the classes on arousal/orgasm control and speed inductions were perfect presentation in motion.  Each demo went like smooth clockwork, each point was relatable and built on the previous one.

    The class on long term control was more impressive than I thought, Hypnoguru was really able to express how enslaving someone using hypnosis as a tool in the process could be done thoughtfully and pleasureably.  He was able to share his own successes and failures and ability to maneuver through those in a way that showed he wasn't just talking about ideas, he was sharing his life experience.  There was a rough patch as he isn't really a kinkster and doesn't get into other types of kinky play and ruffled a few feathers with that- but took the reactions in stride and ended up going well over time due to people asking great questions.

    My main criticisms are for the other classes.  Jaime had some good points on using hypnosis for ritual and for using hypnosis as a tool for mutual intimacy and open reflection.  Unfortunately his style as a presenter is so esoteric and his speaking voice is so low and slow that it's hard to stay engaged.  I know that's a bit ironic, but even a hypnosis presentation is still a presentation.  The demos he did for both ended up going from "demo" to "heavy intimate personal action" and made most people a little awkward.  

    Even from that though people still got the concepts of using hypnosis beyond just inductions and barking like a dog and how to really use it as something intimate and erotic in your life.

    Would I do this again?  Hearing so many people in a short span tell you how this really changed their feelings about a topic, how many admitted they came in actively skeptical and then were completely transformed, how grateful they are to be open to these new experiences- you remember why you deal with event planning and all the angst it involves.  But I would want a new venue, I would raise the entry fee, and I'd probably have 8-10 classes over the day in 2 tracks.  Might even just start after lunch and rather than a break for dinner, just do pizza there. 

    Time with Hypnoguru was amazing for all the obvious reasons and also because I really pushed myself to be honest with him.  I'm NOT sure this new living situation will be enough or right for me, I AM scared about doing all these changes and it not working out, I DO need regular and hot sex fun together.  I was able to talk about them all at the right time in the right space with an acceptance and communication that I haven't had before.  And each time Hypnoguru was simply there, accepting, reassuring.  He didn't make promises of perfection, simply restated exactly what he had before- that he wants my life to get better and be better and if that means not with him, he accepts that.

    And there was hypnosis, and there was pleasure.  Pleasure buttons pushed all over the place, that drifting drowsy bliss of dropping into hypnosis, that physical bliss of feeling his large warmth around me, and that overall sense of rightness and betterness with him there.  I hypnotized him, he hypnotized me, and we enjoyed our own mutual hypnosis spontaneously later which just kept building new layers of pleasure. 

    And he had to go back to Philadelphia.  I came home and cried for an hour from that hole I felt was here.  Only three days and yet so many signs of his presence remained- teacups and towels and trash and memories now burned into this place.  My life continues, and I am grateful to have my partners here who keep me fed and happy also.  I think this post expresses that state very elegantly,

    Monday, September 17th, 2012
    1:42 pm
    All Day Erotic Hypnosis Discovery & Slumber Party
    Since it's my event, I suppose I should post about it here.

    Saturday, September 22, 2012 · 9:00 AM – 2:00 AM  
    The Whatknot
    Cost:$20 ind/$35 couples covers day & night, $10 for just the party
    Dress code:Daytime: Comfy casual, Nighttime: Tranceout

    Element & The Whatknot come together to offer a day full of delicious hypnosis discovery and practice. All experience levels welcome.

    What is Erotic Hypnosis?
    Whatever you want it to be. Hypnotic suggestions can enhance sexual experiences by removing inhibitions, amplifying the senses, and intensifying sexual responses. We can create realistic fantasy experiences from simple tactile sensations to elaborate role-play scenes. Many people also use hypnosis to amplify feelings of sexual arousal and submission, to train slaves to be more obedient and sexually responsive.

    Rideshare Thread:…

    Roomshare Thread:…

    The Whatknot location is near 35/W Yager Lane, so hotels near that area will be most convenient. There’s also lots of restaurants and a grocery store right in the area.

    Senor Jaime & Hypnoguru will present classes through the day followed by a "Slumber Party" that evening. There will be open spaces through the day for people to practice as they please. Open kinky play welcome also.

    9:15 Doors Open
    9:30 Welcome & Intro (Jaime)
    10:00 - 11:30 Arousal & Orgasm Control (Bryan)
    11:30 - 12:45 Hypnosis as Ritual (Jaime)
    12:45 - 1:45 Lunch
    1:45 Reconvene for quick Q&A
    2:00 - 3:15 Faster Deeper Slower Better- Shifting Induction Speeds (Bryan)
    3:30 - 4:45 Mutual Erotic Hypnosis (Jaime)
    5:00 - 6:15 Long Term Erotic Control in Authority Relationships (Bryan)
    6:15 Recap and Group Trance (Jaime)

    6:30 - 9:00 Dinner Break

    9:00 - 2:00 Slumber Party

    You Are Getting Very Horny: Hypnotic Arousal and Orgasm

    It's all in your mind. And by "it," I mean sex. Bryan with review the ins and outs of using hypnosis to stimulate, tease, excite, and yes, even produce full-blown, genuine, mind-melting orgasms. It's all in the name of good clean fun--and better sex.

    The Ritual of Hypnosis and Hypnosis of Ritual

    The act of creating and entering ritual space is done intentionally to step beyond the ordinary into something imbued with intimacy and meaning. By creating an overt hypnotic induction with the subject, the hypnotist establishes a rite of trance and deep communication, often using specific language, objects, or movements which enhance the ritual. Our erotic relationships are often punctuated by rituals we have created individually or collectively, ranging from assuming certain postures and positions to the use of words, objects, and space.

    In both the erotic and hypnotic, ritual is used as a threshold to depart from and return to the routine of everyday life. This class will begin by examining rituals associated with hypnosis in order to understand and utilize their power. We will then proceed to examine how we can utilize hypnosis to establish new rituals in our lives, using everyday objects and tasks in the physical world to enhance our relationships and allow us to get lots more of what we want. By looking more in depth at how rituals are created, we can learn new ways to go beyond the ordinary whenever and wherever we choose.

    Deeper, Faster: A Whirlwind Tour of Hypnotic Inductions

    Bryan takes you on a hands-on how-to overview of the major hypnotic induction styles, including rapid and "instant" techniques. Attendees will get hands on experience to hone their own hypnotic talents. Whether you're a budding hypnotist or just intensely curious, learn how hypnotists put their subjects "fast asleep."

    Mutual Erotic Hypnosis

    How can we know the dancer from the dance? - William Butler Yeats

    As an erotic hypnotist, have you ever wanted to ride alongside your partner and explore the mystery and your inner landscapes together, learning new things about yourselves and each other along the way? As an erotic hypnotic subject, have you ever wanted to share your experience with your hypnotist in a way that goes beyond words? If you’re curious about discovering new ecstasy and insight together in trance, this class is for you.

    In mutual erotic trance, you’ll find reminders of how the sum can be greater than the individual parts. You and your trance partner will learn how to prepare for a shared journey in a way that respects your existing relationship dynamics and ensures a safe, enjoyable trip together. Along the way, you’ll learn several hypnotic techniques that can be used for mutual, traditional trance induction, as well as self hypnosis.

    Long-Term Hypnoerotic Control for the Intensely Curious

    Part of an Authority Relationship? Learn ways to safely and effectively transform your willing, committed partner into your willing, committed, hypnotically obedient partner. Bryan will discuss various techniques and tips for utilizing long-term hypnotic influence as a path to greater pleasure and intimacy. Includes Q&A period.

    Hypnoguru/Bryan Cassidy: Certified Master Hypnotherapist and Performance Hypnotist Bryan Cassidy began putting people under hypnosis when a book report for school sparked a lifelong interest in the field. He has been studying and refining his craft ever since, training under such notables as Hypnosis Hall-of-Famer Bert Freeman and acclaimed hypnotist and trainer Brian David Phillips. Certified in both Speed Trance and Erotic Hypnosis, Bryan is accredited through the National Society of Hypnotherapists and the Society of Experiential Trance. He owns Hypnotic Tranceformations--his private practice on Philadelphia's Main Line--and is a founding member of Philadelphia's Erotic Hypnosis Group. He enjoys falling snow and long walks in your mind.

    Senor Jaime: Señor Jaime is a musician, hypnotist and writer with over nine years of professional hypnosis practice, fourteen years experience in the public scene as a Dominant erotic sadist, twenty-six years experience as a guitarist/songwriter, and over forty years experience as a human being. An active participant in the thriving Central Texas BDSM communities, Jaime has brought his leadership skills to bear by founding the local rope bondage peer group, Austin ROPE, and Texas Trancegressives, Austin’s erotic hypnosis group. He has served as an officer and president for The Group With No Name (GWNN – Austin’s largest and longest-running pansexual BDSM group and ongoing play party) and continues to lead the Austin ROPE and Texas Trancegressive monthly meetings.

    As proprietor of the WhatKnot, he aims to provide a space for celebrating and practicing rope, sadomasochism, and…whatknot. As the space has developed over the last several years, the WhatKnot has hosted dozens of events, classes, and parties dedicated to blending the sybaritic pleasures of the flesh, with sublime moments of bliss, art, and learning. OctRoperFest (the annual Texas rope conference he co-produces with his slave fairer than she) in many ways epitomizes what the WhatKnot strives towards.

    As a BDSM educator, Jaime’s philosophy focuses on opening the hearts and minds of the audience to a broader spectrum of possibilities for development and exploration of erotic self-discovery. He encourages students to find their own creative voice in consensual kink, rather than adhere to dogma. He has presented for a variety of groups in Texas and beyond including GWNN, Different Strokes, Houston Bondage SIG, NLA-Dallas, NLA-Edmonton, Eros, Touch of Leather, Central Texas Boys of Leather, Central Texas Kink, Truly Bound, The Lyons Den, Shibaricon and DFW Bound. As a writer and rope artist, Jaime’s work has been seen and heard in the Jade Gate blog,, and Rope Weekly.

    The Whatknot is a convenient home in the Central Texas, northern Austin area and has been host to various kink events, parties, and get togethers. Message, LuckyAlbatross on fetlife or fairerthanshe for directions and details.

    Tuesday, August 28th, 2012
    2:29 pm
    Change Doesn't Equal Loss

    So on the 11th day, she blogged. Sorry Elkor, this is about death, relationship, and job crap.  This is long and it contains at least four stories, but I prefer to wind through chronologically as it was experienced rather than try to tease out different themes.

    My mother"s father died Saturday before last.Collapse )

    Monday, August 13th, 2012
    10:57 am
    Be Your Own Advocate

    No surprise to regular listeners (ha) that I have hearing loss.  When I was about 5 I started a series of surgeries to get tubes in and out of my ears to help draining and open passages and that helped a lot. 

    Before each surgery I had to go through the prep stuff where they walk you through what's going to happen in attempt to not be so scary the day of.  Except that I had hearing loss and was a very tiny scared 5 year old so i just timidly nodded to go along with everything.  Not to mention the walkthrough wasn't really in the same place, so the smells and lights and timing of it was completely different- cues that not hearing people take very seriously. 

    I wasn't really smart enough to be terrified of what was going on, but it certainly wasn't comfortable and the prep stuff didn't help at all.

    DCS recently considered some surgery and for his prep visits I told him to take notes and ask questions and write stuff down- because I knew he wouldn't remember it all and I hoped if he went in prepped for questions that he might feel more confident about asking.  Apparently early on the doctor said he didn't have to write stuff down, that all the info would be given to him at the front afterwards.  And no, no info was ever given.

    We really have to fight against this fear and need to see these wise doctors as authorities to simply and immediately be obeyed.  I broke out of it myself in my 20s when I really saw that no one was going to ask these questions if I wasn't going to and if they were going to make me wait a half hour to show up, I was going to get the most out of that time.

    I know too many people who get too sick or in too many accidents sadly and the real thing to remember is- if you think about it, ask it.  If you have something you prefer, say it.  If you want something with you, bring it.

    And even more, track it.  Just like you would if you ordered a package online and something got messed up.  Be willing to advocate and track for yourself at least as much as you do that new sex toy.  You deserve it.

    Friday, August 3rd, 2012
    2:37 pm

    Just a recap here:

    - decision to split living situation between Texas and Pennsylvania causing all sorts of mixed feelings and emotional tensions in all relationships
    - ended relationship with Karl
    - car finally reached its end with no heat, no ac and many of those other quirks that you learn to deal with over time
    - work totally sucking

    Which is kind of a lot really.  Life goes on and you go on with it, but that doesn't mean you're moving past or through anything.  There's just nothing else to do or die like a shark.

    Days less worse than other days, good memories and true love and all that.  I would manage to do a half hour of some actual productive work but still not really focused or anything sustainable.

    But this week has brought a change.  I felt stronger each day, I felt more my old (new) self.  I actually completed projects and started new ones.  Part of it of course is Bryan returning from his trip and having some quality cyber time together.  But a larger chunk I believe is that I had a breakthrough in accepting what my love with Karl is right now.  Accepting that I don't need to live together or have "a commitment" just because there is love there.  Progressing deeper down into accepting it's ok to want, and ask for what I want and that this release together is really the better choice.

    And I feel that change is wonderful.  I can feel it soaking in deeper as my creativity and inspiration burst out- baking and cleaning and writing and planning spontaneously reaching for life again.

    I'm not done with the stress or pain by any stretch.  But I'm not nearly so lost.

    Thursday, July 26th, 2012
    10:22 pm
    Break Up Process
    Breaking up with someone really isn't an act, it's a process, a transformation.  All of my breakups previously were mainly a matter of decision.  When you're long distance and it takes a lot of energy just to see eachother, you just stop the flow of energy in that direction.  The emotional process still needs to be worked through, learning to be single again- but for me that was not a huge change in daily lifestyle.

    When I had ex's who were close, that added the thread of tension of running into eachother.  The one couple that broke my heart did a nasty gossip number on me afterwards and it was actually only this past year that I felt true gratitude for them ending it so that I could be free to become who I was.  But even then, day to day life continued as normal and only in bursts would the mourning and grieving really set in.

    I've only lived with three people as an adult in a relationship.  James I let die slowly and he ran off with his quickly divorced bride.  Our emotional entanglements had mostly settled by the time we had to deal with logistics and he was the one doing all the changing by his own choice so I felt no real reverberations.

    Karl was another story altogether.  It was abrupt, unwanted, and reeked with deep love and admiration still thrumming between us.  I had never had to go through separating out possessions before.  I understand a tiny inkling more how divorces get so nasty and painful- the process of going room to room to take out all of those everyday items that had a home there until...

    Well that's like a heartbreak each and every moment.  Even the box of poptarts in the cupboard rips a new wound.  Because they were for him.  Every morning.  And you cry to see them going away because it means those moments together are all in the past.

    And room by room you break apart- items separated from their old homes, breaking up one more part of your now-ex-life and piling together like a cairn to be taken back to the afterlife. 

    I realize also that you never get it all- there's somehow always another cupboard you missed, a piece of their rope in your toy bag, or the huge desk that's more trouble to move than anything but sitting there, the dust marking the time since it had an owner.  The small things surprise you, a sharp unexpected pain like a splinter driving under your skin. 

    The bigger things draw it out a little more.  The morning routine struggles to find new life.  And the afternoon.  And the evening.  And the night.  And you wake up and do it again, hopefully slightly less painful than the day before.

    But there's always something more- another experience you'd hoped to share together, anticipated, gotten comfortable filling the space mutually.  And now they aren't there, only the reminder and the new timeline to be walked and broken along, a shadow following you.

    Eventually a new pattern is built, eventually shadows soften and the memories can be appreciated.  This was lucky- we both still love eachother, we both still care for eachother, we both want to support eachother.  I can't imagine what it would be to lose that along with the rest.
    Tuesday, July 24th, 2012
    9:44 am
    Time for a Change
    Sadly, my previously best job in the world has turned downwards and it is truly time for a change.  Normally this would mean break out the resume, hoof to some interviews and have a great opportunity in a few months.

    But I've changed and what I want has changed.  I LOVE working from home.  Obviously we need tons of commuters and industry workers to keep going to the cube farm factories or actual factories that make stuff, but I don't want to have to go back to that sort of atmosphere.

    My last job started out awesomely- a first serious executive assistant position, cushy but not pushy.  The boss saw great potential in me and got me doing some basic sales stuff, conference coordination, project development and all that.  When he moved back each with the wife and their new baby however, he decided he NEEDED the service person in the office with him.  This past year I've managed customer service, done all the conference and product implementation stuff AND kept the old office (because he couldn't sell it) maintained, AND kept sales limping along because he couldn't/wouldn't find someone to do it.

    And now he's decided I have to do sales, with a lower base salary plus commissions, and that we're always going to lose customers no matter how we do, so let's just work on getting more sales.

    So, as before, I will do a great job at that and be awesome, but I have no desire to stay attached to this position.  But I also want to stay in a nice work from home place which I know has some good opportunities but is much trickier to navigate.  So if you have tips or directions to offer, would love to hear!
    Thursday, July 19th, 2012
    11:52 am
    Gah, and I'm Moving (kinda)

    I keep trying to write this out poetically and it's just too much to be concise.

    Hypnoguru invited me to stay with him for two weeks to help his family as he recovered from surgery. I accepted as an opportunity I couldn't miss.

    The travel and confluence of events led to Hypnogeekling and I dissolving our relationship. There is still deep love there and we both see much potential in eachother but are not able to be good for eachother in a commitment right now.

    Being with Hypnoguru opened me to fulfillment and 24/7 service as well as the deep connective calm love of a family in ways I had not even realized I had missed in my life. And the wife and I went from tentative acceptance to genuine kinship and explorers together.

    They invited me to be part of their home permanently, outside Philadelphia.

    While thrillingly accepted. I recognize I am no longer in my 20s, no longer unfettered and launching onto the next adventure without ties to consider.

    After discussing with all of my partners, currently the plan for the first year is to have a 4/2/4/2 living arrangement- beginning late October I'd move to Philadelphia for 4 months, return to Austin for 2 months and so on.

    No one tells you that once you really get this polyamorous thing mostly figured out, there's still so many challenges- when you love and are loved by so many!

    I don't have answers on how things will end up in a year, I have hopes and dreams and wonderful partners who will ask me the hardest questions because they know we all deserve to try our best. I've learned more about myself and what fulfillment really means to me and feel I've taken light-years of leaps shedding remaining bits of childhood without losing the fun and pleasure of youth.

    To Hypnoguru, Hypnomilf, Hypnogeekling, Multiperv, Fairerthanshe, LordPercival and LTD, too, if who I am is 10% of the warmth, intelligence, awareness, patience and acceptance that you reflect to me everyday, I am beyond the Luckiest Albatross ever born.

    Friday, June 29th, 2012
    4:19 pm
    Already Friday
    I am partly starting this entry because I'm sure it will make Bryan and our other car guest show up quicker as a way to interrupt me.

    It's funny that I didn't even seriously start to compare my summer visits to the long distance owner experiences until yesterday.

    Back in college, I was owned by Mik, a 42 yo in North Carolina.  Mik worked nights at a water treatment plant but had semi-serious aspirations of being a fantasy writer including co-authoring a book you could find on any well stocked bookstores shelves.  He'd really only discovered kink a year before I had, which was in part what led to the divorce of what had been a marriage of convenience.  Six months before me, he'd me his other slave Pepper, gotten involved with her just as quickly.  She was monogamous and open about wanting to be with him along and get married and have a baby together.  Just after getting me involved, he got a crazy woman with a young girl attached as well and she was around a lot of the time also.  He also had health issues and could rarely orgasm.  He ran a local kink group and monthly party which is how I got thrown into the world of organizing kink so early.

    Summers were the times I had extended visits and they were all the normal extremes of what happens when you try to compress a relationship into a few weeks.  I really should have ended it before it started, but I was so young and so new and so devoted and kept saying if I just do it all right, then I'll be taken care of because that's how this is supposed to work out.

    In the end, the pain was too much, I asked for release, twice, went off to my other adventures.  He and Pepper did eventually marry but I really doubt they have kids. 

    My other adventures did include repeating some of these experiences- long distances, compressed time together, hours of passive denial or being used for my talents and ignored for my pleasure. 

    And my relationship with Bryan holds the potential for them all as well.  Long distance is certainly in check, and all the distractions you can muster with a wife and kids and work.  But the flavor has changed, in me, in my choices.  The past pricks at me occasionally, stings that try to bring the lies of not being good enough back into reality.  But I smother them- what is now is too real and too good to know anything else.

    There are comparisons of course- Bryan is being careful to make sure his wife feels attended to and maintain reasonable expectations.  But each time I've found I've inched onto that "resign yourself to vicarious thrill" ledge, he's suddenly there, warm, real, attending to me, to us.  His consistency is pretty amazing.

    Although I will say they never taught having to drive your owners car down curvy small rural roads you don't know with his three loud kids in the back in slave training school.  I'm really not a parent and it becomes more obvious the longer I'm here.  But the kids like me, I've already done a lot of work to improve the house cleaning projects and weave into the daily family life.  Life really is so fluid.
    Saturday, June 23rd, 2012
    10:39 pm
    Stayin Alive
    So yes I'm still here, still reading and still wishing I could post more.

    I knew this period was going to be hectic- flying to Alaska for a kink event on a Thursday evening, flying back Monday, only to fly out to Anaheim for the big work conference Thur-Mon again.

    The Alaska event itself left something to be desired- the spirit was there, the people were generally pleasant (admittedly I have found everyone who lives about the Minnesota level or norther are their own special brand of overly generous and whacko), I did a few new things and once again sparked instant lasting connections with people.  But I also let myself get dehydrated and overwrung.

    Which didn't leave me in good shape for the few days "rest" I had to get ready for Anaheim.

    In which time Bryan ended up having serious eye surgery again putting him out of commission for two more weeks- and asking if I would come to stay with him to help his wife get stuff taken care of.

    That decision perhaps was emotionally made instantly, but I actually did take a day to consider it, discuss it with my partners and mull it over.  The main issues weighing were actually work considerations, energy considerations and maintaining a balance of stability between my dynamics- which would already have been put under strain of separation and lack of schedule for two weeks. 

    But ultimately I decided the opportunity was too great to pass up, the timing be what it was.  I work from home so now I'll work from PA for two weeks, barely enough time to get any sort of routine.  However I think a good way to really play out how all these changes have settled and may be painted in the longer term.
    Friday, June 8th, 2012
    3:24 pm
    Movie Survey
    Movies (of course): American Beauty, Matrix, A Single Man, Dangerous Liaisons, Midnight in Paris

    Filmmakers: Sam Mendes, Christopher Nolan, Martin Scorcese, David Fincher, Quentin Tarentino

    Actors:  Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, George Clooney, Colin Firth

    Actresses: Annette Bening, Rosalind Russell, Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, Reese Witherspoon

    Favorite movies of 2012 so far: Avengers, Cabin in the Woods, Hunger Games, 21 Jump Street, (Have not seen MIB3 or Midnight Kingdom yet)

    Most anticipated movies for the rest of the 2012: Batman, Magic Mike, Django Unchained, The Master, Paranormal Activity 4, Flight,

    Movies you missed but really want to see (pre-2012): Annie Hall, The Expendables, Howards End, Ray, Capote
    Tuesday, May 29th, 2012
    9:44 pm
    Bath Set for Sale
    Finally updated my bath set and am offering up the previous one for sale, $20 as a lot.  Gold Wamsutta Monique set, includes:

    Pics and Set DetailsCollapse )
    Thursday, May 17th, 2012
    11:08 am
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